when I am this tired...

Why doesn't my mind turn off?  Why does it insist on asking my heart questions that I am not ready to answer?  I have alot on my mind to say the least.  I can not put it all into words right at this moment but I can't help but feel like something big is brewing inside and that I will start to shut down..this might be a good thing lol I really don't know.

I turn 33 in a couple of weeks and I have always looked forward to my Birthday but this one feels different, not sure why...it just does.   I will be at the lowest weight that I have been in 7 years...that is if I stop eating my emotions.  I have worked so hard for this weight loss and I am just letting it all go. Time to snap out of it!..yeah right!

My mom and I blew up at each other.  Its been coming and I know she didn't mean it as I too didn't mean it but everything boiled over.  I know that when I am trying to figure out what I am doing, soul searching if you will call it I do not want to open up about it. Its because of fear.  Fear that people might not understand my actions, words or just me period. I just flat out don't tell them.  Mainly people in my family because I don't want to hear the "What the hell are you doing?".  I guess I just don't want to be bothered...this is another one of the times that I miss T...hell I miss her alot...I know that she is still there for me but I also know she has alot on her plate right now and I don't want to bother her or bog her down with my crap.

I have done nothing but clean the apartment today since lil man is sick.  He is torn to pieces because he will not have perfect attendance at the end of the year.  We told him (T and I) that he would get something big for him if he passed on to the 2nd grade and had perfect attendance..time to come up with plan b!

I want to watch a cry my heart out movie tonight, one that will cleanse my soul and hopefully clear up some of the random things going on in my heart and mind...I wish I could be held.  The kind of holding that makes everything go away, one that you can feel and hear the heart beat of whomever arms you are in.  The kind that puts you to sleep and makes everything right in the world...this sucks!!!

My dog will eat your dog for breakfast!

Today after arriving home from a shitty day at work I decided to walk the dog right away even though I had to pee I wanted her to get some air.  We head outside and mind you my dog, (scratch that its T's dog) weighs about 48 pounds.  She is all black and beautiful anyway I have my hand on her leash and my other hand has her poo bag ready to go.  We are walking out of our little breezeway when all of a sudden a lady with her little pocket dog freaks out and screams a little.  She right away started to say that her dog was going to be attacked and to get that dog away...bitch please! 

Now her dog was barking and freaking out while the 48 pound gentle giant just stood there...hardly an attack dog bone in her body she looked at the lil dog like shut up I need to poo and your really pissing me off.  She didn't make a noise as she was more focused on dropping her load and waiting for me to bag it up so she and I could walk down to the poop trash can.  This is our routine.  So just like I said she pooped I bent over with her poop bag, collected her brautwurst sized poo logs in the bag, tied off the bag and started to walk away from the lady who is still freaking out along with her pocket dog. 

Now I got caught up with the leash on the tree that is outside my patio door, as I am untangling the mess the lady continues to freak out and talk shit.  Well as she is doing this the Maintenance crew is less then 100 feet away and watching this lady.  She decides to do the following.."Hey gurl your dog pooped and you didn't pick it up..hey gurl theys going to get mad at you cause yous is post to pick it up. What your not going to pick it up that is rude!  I glance at her and I look at the Maintenance guys coming over.

I calmly look down at what she is talking about and happen to notice something...the poop that she is talking about came from her pocket dog!  How do I know?  Let me explain see my dog shits brautwurst size poo, her dog shits thin Tootsie Rolls size poo.  Now I look back at her and said "My dog's poop is the size of your dog" This came from your dog not mine.  I have collected her poop just like I always do since living here.  If you do not believe me ask my Neighbors and the Maintenance guys.  Better yet Bitch let me show you!  I proceed to untie the bag as she says "well you need to keep better control of your dog cause its going to attack mine".  By this time one of the Maintenance guys says to her "You will need to pick up after your dog, it is a violation of your lease if you do not pick up the waste, we watched your dog poop in 2 spots and you walked away from it"  She responds with well I don't live here, I am picking up a co-worker so I don't knows about your rules and crap so I aint doin nothin wrong! Umm did you not not tell me that I am as you put it "post to pick it up"? Really?

She grabs her dog and walks to her beat up car..As she is leaving I thank her for giving me my highlight of the day.  She replies whatcha mean?  I told her that she stepped in her own dogs shit and that Karma came quickly!  Moral  of the story is becareful where you shit, watch where you step and you never know is watching you!

Happy Tuesday!!

I have decided...

That Fruit Loops with Marshmallows has now offically become my favorite cereal.  Sorry Count Chocula..

That looking at old wedding pictures is never a good idea..it takes you back to memories that are better left tucked away in that shoebox in the corner of your mind..you know the one that is behind a bunch of old boxes with the blankets thrown over it.

That having to spank your child hurts you far more then it does them..my hand will be in need of iceing.

That i have a yogurt habit and I think I need help for it.

That my bed will be very cold tonight because my human blanket is away for the next 3 days :(

That I really wished i kept those pair of socks that I stole from my dad 6 years ago, they really rocked and kept my toes nice and toasty.

That I need to hit the Thrift Stores this week.  Like they say "miss a day, miss a deal"

That my neighbor is loud and annoying as all get out.  She has no volume control!

That I am super excited to go back home and visit.

That is all for now.